警醒!雅思考官作文是如何被中国学生评成5分的?

警醒!雅思考官作文是如何被中国学生评成5分的? 摘要:考官作文被中国学生评成5分反应出一个现实,国内学生作文分数不高,不仅是英文水平低的问题,其实考生还犯了议论文写作方面的方向性错误,错误已经严重到分不清美丑的地步了。

我在豆瓣做了一个作文评价活动,如我所料,许多学生在不知情的情况下,给雅思考官的作文评分并不高,大多给出了5或5.5的分数。

统计如下:有2位烤鸭选择了A,一位是在澳华人,雅思连着几次平稳作文7+分,一位的习作我给出了好评,还有一位同学看出是好作文后,查出来源,并指摘我没有注明出处云云,现在真像大白。所以,在参与答题的那么多烤鸭中,只有3位认为考官文章是好作文。

还有一位考生选择了C,认为该文下等。其余的学生都选择了B,认为该文中等。 这同我之前预料的相一致,国内学生作文分数不高,不仅是英文水平低的问题,其实还犯了议论文写作方面的方向性错误,错误已经严重到分不清美丑的地步了。

警醒雅思考官作文是如何被中国学生评成5分的

现在分析一下这篇文章

题目:Some people think that governments should give financial support to creative artists such as painters and musicians. Others believe that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People have different views about the funding of creative artists. While some people disagree with the idea of government support for artists, I believe that money for art projects should come from both governments and other sources.

第一句:背景句,起引入话题的作用。

第二句:首先用让步状语从句改写题目,在主句中表明了自己的观点。

并不是说用了while?I believe?之类议论文常用的词汇就成了模板,这是议论文的常用表达法。

Some art projects definitely require help from the state. In theUK, there are many works of art in public spaces, such as streets or squares in city centres. In Liverpool, for example, there are several new statues and sculptures in the docks area of the city, which has been redeveloped recently. These artworks represent culture, heritage and history. They serve to educate people about the city, and act as landmarks or talking points for visitors and tourists. Governments and local councils should pay creative artists to produce this kind of art, because without their funding our cities would be much less interesting and attractive. 第一句:本段的中心句,在议论文写作中,一个段落只能有一个中心句,且段内的所有论述都是为证明中心句而服务的,不能与中心句产生冲突。我个人在写作时,段内让步句都不会写的。

本段采用的论证方法是“摆事实,讲道理”,也可以说是事实论证和道理论证。从“In the UK”开始到“which has been redeveloped recently”是事实论证;其余部分是道理论证。

这种论证方法是比较难的,在摆事实的时候,不能出现多余信息,就本文来讲,每一句都要出现与art projects相关的词汇,且不能出现其他无关信息。在讲道理的时候,最终落脚点必须是art projects对政府的好处,这样才能得出政府要买单的结论。

有些烤鸭可能会问,你说的那些什么“摆事实,讲道理”中学语文老师也讲过,可我考的是雅思,不是语文。其实,不管是中文也好,英文也罢,只要文体是议

论文,就得遵守议论文的写作方式,英文和中文只是写作语言而已,而“语言是思维的物质外壳”,仅仅外壳不同,思维方式完全可以相同。

这里还涉及到另一个问题,那就是很多人喜欢掉在嘴边“西方人的思维”,确实,西方人的想法与中国人有很多不同,但就议论文写作这一块,实在是大同小异。也就是说,假如列位用雅思作文题作中文作文一篇,若在写作前没有接受过议论文写作的训练,在中学语文老师那里,还是不合格,不合格的原因显然不是中文水平不够,而是议论文写作水平不合格。当然现在雅思考生遇到的是英文水平不高和议论文写作水平不高的双重问题。

有些学生提出来说,“In Liverpool, for example, there are several new statues and sculptures in the docks area of the city, which has been redeveloped recently.”句中的has been应该是have been,我想潜在的意思是which指代的是“several new statues and sculptures”。错,which这个关系代词是近指,不是远指,指代的是句中的the docks area (of the city)。同理,“In the October of 1976, the Political Bureau of the CPC Central Committee took decisive measures to shatter the Gang of Four, in which Hua Guofeng, Ye Jianying, Li Xiannian played an important role.”这句话与历史不符,因为which应该近指the Gang of Four,而作者在写作时远指到了政治局。这句句子是从《中式英语之鉴》这本书中摘录下来的,但略做改编,在216页。

On the other hand, I can understand the arguments against government funding for art. The main reason for this view is that governments have more important concerns. For example, state budgets need to be spent on education, healthcare, infrastructure and security, among other areas. These public services are vital for a country to function properly, whereas the work of creative artists, even in public places, is a luxury. Another reason for this opinion is that artists do a job like any other professional, and they should therefore earn their own money by selling their work.

这段话是本篇文章的败笔,本段理论上应该阐述为何资金要从其他地方来,而simon可能没看清题意,把原题理解成 should or should not governments give financial support to creative artists?simon在之后的博文也作出更正。不过这里我打算将错就错,看看这段的论证方法。

第一句:本段的中心句。

第二句:本段的第一个分论点。第三句:举例论证。第四句:道理论证。至此第一个分论点结束。

第五句:第二个分论点,这个分论点内部的论证方法是因果论证。

In conclusion, there are good reasons why artists should rely on

alternative sources of financial support, but in my opinion government help is sometimes necessary.

结论,结论处没有多余的信息,是对之前已经证明过的观点的总结。

雅思大作文就只有两点:一、英文水平;二、议论文写作水平。有些同学沉迷于大词替换,错误的认为议论文写出来有不认识字才叫好文章,可问题是,你的读者是接受过大学教育英文母语使用者,你的那些大词,对于他们来说,还能叫大词吗?况且,大词还十用九错,最终结果只能是写出只能贻笑大方。还有,雅思考试中的词汇是指与话题相关的词汇,把important换成essential之类,是没用的。

于是,国内学生写出的句子对英文读者来说,大概等价于“小明对年轻貌美,婀娜多姿(不符合场合,没有必要的大词)的赵老师说:‘老师,因为我很瞻仰(大词,且用错)您,因此(关联词问题,因为后面不能用因此)我不耻下问(大词,且用错),向您问(这里才应该用请教这个大词)一个问题,(缺“想”的宾语,加这个问题)我久很想了(修饰词和被修饰词的位置颠倒)。”如果各位烤鸭是中文雅思考官,你会因为这句句子用了大词,和关联词给加分吗?显然不会。 对于后面的议论文的写作方法,考生们就更无暇顾及了,甚至对此没有丝毫的意识,在语言问题解决之后,评价一篇议论文就是论证水平的高下了。没有议论文写作的意识,导致了学生无法识别一篇议论文的好坏,错将一篇考官的瑕疵文,评成5分烂文。

综上所述,学生应该通过精读外刊原文的方法,提高英文水平,写出符合语法,搭配准确,甚至带有修辞味道的句子,与此同时,学生还应学习议论文写作的方法,不要再焚琴煮鹤了。

 

第二篇:作文点评 雅思考官点评

(一)犯罪类雅思作文高分范文及点评

Putting criminals into prisons is not an effective way to deal with them. Instead, education and job training should be offered. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

How to handle criminals is a problem that all countries and societies face. Traditionally, the approach has been to punish them by placing them in prisons to pay for what they have done. Some, however, advocate for trying to make them better with training and education and it seems they may have a good point.

First of all, consider all the money that we have to spend to lock people up in jail. It doesn’t seem like a good use of public money if the people don’t actually get any better. Because most criminals eventually are let out of prison, our focus should be on making them better citizens.

In fact, the reason why many people end up in jail in the first place is because they didn’t have a good education or happy family. So if they can learn job skills they perhaps can find work and feel they can contribute in a positive way. If they do this, they won’t need crime. Surly everyone deserves a second chance.

Of course this does not mean that we should be too lenient on criminals. Those who commit crime should still be punished, but during their punishment they should also be treated. If we make an investment in them and show compassion, most will be able to make a new start.

To summarize, we must make more of an effort to go to the root of the problem. We need to treat criminals as patients and give them the medicine they need: education and training. By giving people the skills for a second chance we can make our society safer and healthier.

(271 words)

Harvey点评:

写作线索:首段,赞同题目观点;第二段,罪犯在监狱里什么都不做是花着纳税人的钱的;第三段,没有接受教育和不幸的家庭是原因,要教育,要给他们机会;第四段;当然要惩罚,但惩罚和治疗并用。末段总结。

好文章。末段第二句的比喻给本文增色不少,:We need to treat criminals as patients and give them the medicine they need: education and training.十分贴切。

先学习下面的词汇和短语,然后再重读范文,体会它们在文中的运用

词汇

Punish vt.惩罚,处罚

Advocate vt.提倡

jail n.监狱=prison

lenient adj.宽大的,仁慈的

compassion n.同情

patient n.病人

短语

in jail监禁

end up最后结果

commit crime犯罪

make an investment in…投资于

make an effort to do 努力去做

三分钟熟读或背诵本文最实用的三个句子

In fact, the reason why many people end up in jail in the first place is because they didn’t have a good education or happy family.

We need to treat criminals as patients and give them the medicine they need: education and training.

By giving people the skills for a second chance we can make our society safer and healthier.

(二)服装类雅思作文高分范文及点评

流行时尚

In modern society, fashion is becoming more highly valued in people‘s choice of clothes. Why? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

It seems that in recent years more and more people, especially in urban areas, are dressing more stylishly. Nowadays it is not uncommon to see people walking around in brand name clothes and sunglasses like celebrities. But why is this happening and is it a positive development? Personally I feel that whether it’s good or bad depends on the individual’s attitude.

The cause of this fashion obsession surely is connected to movies and pop culture. In today’s society, we are constantly seeing images of attractive movies stars and MTV videos with pop icons wearing the most recent styles. To some extent, and perhaps even subconsciously, this affects our own behaviour as we imitate what we see.

One on level, being fashionable is quite healthy. It is natural for us to want to look good, because if we look good we feel good about ourselves. Especially in today’s world of work and relationships, it’s important to have good self-esteem and be confident. Looking good can help us achieve that.

But from another angle, being too fashion-conscious has its problems. Sometimes people end up obsessing about buying the most expensive things and look down upon others who can’t afford them. Such people become superficial and often don’t pay enough attention to the important things in life, like friendship and being a good person.

So in the end, each person has to find the right balance regarding how fashionable to be. There is nothing wrong with looking good and feeling good; in fact it’s human. But we must also be sure not to dwell on it so much.

(265 words)

Harvey点评:

写作线索:首段,引出现象并表态;第二段,问答第一个问题why;第三段,positive;

第四段;negative。末段总结。

本文清新自然,没有大道理,很多小常识。比如第三段第二句:It is natural for us to want to look good, because if we look good we feel good about ourselves. 好作文不是高难词汇的堆砌。最简单的词汇也可以直指人心,赢得读者共鸣。

先学习下面的词汇和短语,然后再重读范文,体会它们在文中的运用

词汇

stylishly adv.时髦地

celebrity n.名人,名流

obsession n.迷住,迷恋

pop adj.流行的,通俗的

icon n. 偶像,图标

subconsciously adv.下意识地

imitate v.模仿

fashionable adj.流行的,时髦的

self-esteem n.自尊

superficial adj.肤浅的

短语

depend on取决于

be connected to 和…有联系

to some extent 某种程度上

from another angle从另一方面看

look down upon 瞧不起

pay attention to 关注

dwell on 仔细研究

三分钟熟读或背诵本文最实用的三个句子

Nowadays it is not uncommon to see people walking around in brand name clothes and sunglasses like celebrities.

Personally I feel that whether it’s good or bad depends on the individual’s attitude.

Especially in today’s world of work and relationships, it’s important to have good self-esteem and be confident.

(三)建筑类雅思作文高分范文及点评

建筑风格

Modern buildings are appearing in large numbers but some people believe that we should build our buildings in traditional styles. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, an interesting trend has emerged. Countries with long histories and rich cultures have been modernizing the quickest, especially in terms of architecture. Many have criticized this as not respecting traditional culture. While traditional architecture should be protected, however, I feel it is not necessary to stop building modern structures as we move forward.

One reason for this is that modern buildings are more practical and comfortable to live and work in. While traditional buildings might look nice from the outside, they are often not very user-friendly. Modern buildings usually have lots of windows and light and are clean and energy efficient. Surely this will make those inside them happier.

Another point to consider is that modern buildings will give a good impression to those visiting from abroad. Consider Beijing during the Olympics, for example. Many foreigners were surprised to see all of the stunning new building designs. In the long run, this will probably attract more business and tourists to the country.

Of course, traditional architecture still has its value. Everyone loves visiting famous historical places and admiring architectural styles from throughout history. We should protect and appreciate such places for future generations, but at the same time, we don’t have to live in the past.

Ultimately, each city needs to find its own balance between “old” and “new” when it comes to building styles, but modern buildings are for sure a positive thing. After all, if we don’t continue to explore new building styles we won’t be able to let future generations know what our period of history was like.

(264 words)

Harvey点评:

写作线索:首段,现代建筑必要;第二段,因为现代建筑的实用性和舒适性;第三段,代表城市现代化;第四段;让步,传统建筑的价值。末段总结。

文中第三段的观点不够有力。其实现代建筑的优点直接分实用性和舒适性两个段落来重点阐述即可。比如实用性,现代化都市人口密度比以前大,摩天大楼skyscraper提高了城市土地的使用效率。

本文末句很有趣味,再仔细读读:After all, if we don’t continue to explore new building styles we won’t be able to let future generations know what our period of history was like.(毕竟,如果我们不继续开发新建筑的风格,我们的下一代将不会知道我们这一代的历史是什么样)历史是相对的,对于我们的子孙来说,我们现在的现代化建筑将成为他们眼里的古代建筑。

先学习下面的词汇和短语,然后再重读范文,体会它们在文中的运用

词汇

emerge vi.显现出来

architecture n.建筑物

practical adj.实用的

user-friendly adj.用户友好的,方便用户使用的

stunning adj.足以使人晕倒的,极好的

admire v.赞美,钦佩,羡慕

ultimately adv.最后,

短语

in terms of在。..方面

move forward前进

in the long run从长远看

for sure确实

after all 毕竟

let sb. do sth. 让某人做某事

三分钟熟读或背诵本文最实用的三个句子

In recent years, an interesting trend has emerged.

One reason for this is that modern buildings are more practical and comfortable to live and work in.

After all, if we don’t continue to explore new building styles we won’t be able to let future generations know what our period of history was like.

(四)教育类雅思作文高分范文及点评

Most countries spend lots of money on education as they start to recognize its importance. In your opinion which two following subjects are the most important for your people and which one is the least important?

Subject:

Literature Sports

Mathematics Economy

Physics History

Music Geography

It has been said that investing in education is investing in one’s future: this is true for both individuals and nations. It is always somewhat subjective to say which is more important, the humanities or sciences, as both have value. However, I would like to make a case for the importance of math and economics in this day and age.

Let us begin with math. Mathematics is a foundation subject which bridges many different fields, from physics and chemistry to the Internet and modern medicine. All of our material advances in the 20th century could not have happened without advanced mathematics. To be sure, it will also play a critical role in meeting challenges like global warming and space travel, to name just a few, in the future.

Likewise, economics is a fundamental discipline that allows societies to be stable and move forward. History is full of example of kingdoms and empires that collapsed as their economies declined. Most obviously, we need look no further than the current economic meltdown to see the importance of economics. The jobs and wellbeing of individuals and nations alike depend upon a deeper understanding of this field.

While all subjects have their merit, perhaps Geography doesn’t have the same importance it once did. After all, in our modern world we have 3-D maps online that allow us to see anywhere with the click of a mouse. But to reiterate, we need a balanced approach to education where we still produce artists and thinkers and historians and so on.

To summarize, math and economics are critical subjects in the 21st century. Governments must do their part to make sure we invest in these key areas and have qualified teachers. By doing so, they will ensure our prosperity and progress.

(294 words)

写作观点:数学、经济学重要,地理不重要。所以文章中间三段分别讨论三个学科。 这篇文章题型少见,题目内容对中国考生来说比较另类。说明哪个学科的重要性不难,难的是说明一个学科为什么不重要,还注意到题目中有最高级词汇:the most important, the least important。

我们受到的教育是行业没有三六九等,行行出状元。如果在小学课堂上讨论此类题目,有小朋友胆敢说地理最不重要,老师一定会发飙:“胡说,不要有偏见,各个学科都重要,人类都需要,缺一不可。”于是大家考试不能偏科,长大之后都没有了“偏见”。

而这篇文章就是逼着你写出偏见,让你偏科,还很极端,因为题目中有最高级。

所以我最欣赏的是在本文首段第二句话,在表达个人偏见前的让步:It is always somewhat subjective(主观的) to say which is more important, the humanities(人文学科) or sciences, as both have value. 这句话我相信也是大多数考生看完题目后的第一感觉,但表达不出来。

先学习下面的词汇和短语,然后再重读范文,体会它们在文中的运用

词汇

subjective adj.主观的

foundation n.基础

bridge vt.架桥,连接

critical adj.关键的,重要的

meltdown n.彻底垮台

wellbeing adj. 福利,康乐,安宁

reiterate vt.反复地说,重申

短语

invest in投资于

make a case for 提出充分的理由

in this day and age 当今

play a critical role in 起到关键作用

meet challenge 应对挑战

to name just a few 等等 = and so on

depend upon依赖,依靠

allow sb. to do sth. 使某人能做某事

with the click of a mouse 只需鼠标一点

do one’s part to尽自己的职责

key areas 重要领域

三分钟熟读或背诵本文最实用的三个句子

It is always somewhat subjective to say which is more important, the humanities or sciences, as both have value.

Mathematics is a foundation subject which bridges many different fields, from physics and chemistry to the Internet and modern medicine.

All of our material advances in the 20th century could not have happened without advanced mathematics.

(五)旅游类雅思作文高分范文及点评

旅游

International travel is becoming cheaper, and countries are opening their doors to more and more tourists. Do the advantages of increased tourism outweigh its disadvantages?

Air travel combined with early retirement and people with money to spend has meant that more and more people can travel the world. Some countries, especially those with famous historical sights and beautiful natural scenery try to attract this large market. While there are some problems that can be caused with all this travel, generally it is a positive thing.

Firstly, consider that all these tourists mean money that governments are eager to tap into. For many countries, tourism is a big part of GDP and without it their economies would suffer. Foreign tourists bring important dollars to the service industry and lots of small shops and vendors.

Secondly, by encouraging tourism governments are promoting their cities and countries. In my country, China, for example, increased tourism and hosting the Olympics has changed people’s perception of our country. At the same time, tourism allows local people to gain exposure to people from other countries, which is also a good thing.

Of course it’s not always a perfect picture. Not all tourists have a good attitude and manners. And in some cases they may even have a negative influence on the local population. But these situations are not so common, and embassies can create tough guidelines for getting a visa. This seems like a reasonable compromise.

To conclude, international travel is a great thing, but it is a privilege that should not be abused. Governments should encourage it, but also put in place measures to keep dangerous people away. This will result in a win-win situation for everyone.

(251 words)

写作线索:首段,国际旅游利大于弊;第二段,刺激本国经济;第三段,加深双方了解;第四段;不利之处。末段总结。

本文我们看到加汉老师是以一位中国学生的口吻写出来。他曾告诉我他的中文名字有两个含义:加拿大的男子汉;加入汉族。

第四段的观点比较抽象,其实针对国际旅游的弊端,我们可以谈对旅游资源的过度开发;旅游景点的环保压力;对当地居民生活方式的影响;经济过渡依赖于旅游业的后果等等。

如果我写这篇文章,国际旅游的好处第一条我就说:“许多人类的文明古迹虽然是某个

国家拥有的,其实也是全人类的财富。比如长城、金字塔。应该让全世界的人去参观、欣赏和尊重”。先上升到一个全人类的高度,凸显大气。大部分考生不是写不出来,主要是想不到。思想有多高,作为分数就有多高。

先学习下面的词汇和短语,然后再重读范文,体会它们在文中的运用

词汇

Retirement n.退休

Tourism n. 旅游业

Vendor n.卖主,小贩

promote vt.促进,推广

host vt. 主办

perception n.观念,理解

embassy n.大使馆

guideline n.指导方针

compromise n.妥协,折衷

privilege n.特权

abuse v.滥用

短语

famous historical sights 历史名胜

beautiful natural scenery 美丽的自然风光

be eager to渴望

tap into 利用

in some cases在有些情况下

have a negative influence on对…有负面影响

win-win situation 双赢局面

三分钟熟读或背诵本文最实用的三个句子

Some countries,especially those with famous historical sights and beautiful natural scenery try to attract this large market.

Secondly,by encouraging tourism governments are promoting their cities and countries. This will result in a win-win situation for everyone.

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