搞笑英语话剧剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》

搞笑5人剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》

演员表：

西门吹雪

叶孤城

花满楼

king

旁白

道具：牛奶两袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，纸屑若干。

第一幕：决战紫荆城之颠

旁白：A quiet villageiscoveredwithwhitesnow .

Birdsaredancinginthecold .

Amaniswalkingalongthestreet ,stepbystep .

Windiscominginsilence.

Another mysteriousmanapproaches .

Y与X相遇．

X：oH ,Iamsorrytoknockyou !

Y:Haha, Nevermindbaybay.

X:Excuseme， whoareyouonearth? couldyoutellmeyourname?

Y:ha ha ,Iwon’tchangemyname! nomatterwhathappens. I’mthemostfamous-------YeGucheng. Whoareyou? X:Iamximenchuixue.

Y惊讶:Ar, ximenchui xue?

X:Yes,whatiswrong?

Y:IheardthatyouarethebestingMartialArts?

X:Great, youknowme !

Y抱腿：Please, please…… Don’tkillme! letmeyougo!

X:No, Imustkillyou !

Y:Idon''''''''''''''''twanttobekilled.Thereare aeighty-year-oldmotheandathree-yearold sontobelookedafterbyme! X:Noway! Becausewearefightingnow!youknow?

Y突然站起冷冷的说：Don''''''''''''''''t forceme!

X:Pardon!

(Y拿出一袋牛奶)

X抢过牛奶:milk, verygood! Ilikedrinkingit. howdoyouknowthat?

Y:pleasedrinkit!

X喝完牛奶:Thanks, ha,ha

Y:Doyoustillwanttokillme?

X:Sure, must! milkismilk.

Y(恼怒+冷酷):Verygood! verygood! Ihopeyouwillnotforgetwhatyousaid!?

X:I’msureIwon’t!

Y:Imustgiveyoualesson!IfIdon''''''''''''''''tbeatyourthistime, you’llneverbehaveproperly!3-2-1-0!

X捂着肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach !

Y大笑：HaHa……

X可怜状: help! help! Whereisthewashroom?

Y:What ?

X:Toliet?

Y:What ?

X:The “WC”?

Y:Oh,I see ,goalongthisstreetandturnrightwhenyouseeacorssingroad!

X:Thanks,byebye.

Y掏出纸屑吹:Thisisgenuirnesnow!

H:Stop!Protectingtheenvironmentisabasicobligation!

Y:Whoareyou?

H:Hua---man----lou! Haveyouseenximenchuixue?

Y:Yes, hewasbeatenbymeandisin“WC” now,ha……

H惊讶:Nowyouarethebestintheworld!

Y:Youareright!

H:Teriffic!youaretheonemykinglookingfor! doyouwantjoininus?

Y:Yes,It’sverygood.

H:Ok, followme, Let’sgotoseemyking!

Y:Ok,Let’s go!

第二幕：无间道

H:Mydearest ! letmeintroduce yeguchengtoyou! （指Y） thisisyegucheng.

K:sitdownplese, yegucheng.

H走到Y前，《婚礼进行曲》起，H神甫状:Yegucheng! Doyouwanttofollowmykingnomatterwhathappenssuchascold headache,sair and aids?

Y: Yes,Ido.

K: Huamanlou, come . puttheringonhisfinger!（音乐停）

X唱着上:Onlyyou……(看到戒子) thisringshouldbemine!

K:Butwhoareyou? whyshoulditbelongyou?

Y急切: king! dearking!Imustgonow,mybrotherislookingforme!huoxi(维语再见)

K:huoxi? Whatdoesthatmean? ItisnotEnglish, isn’t it ?

Y:How clever……

X冷酷:yegucheng! comehere!Iwanttotellyousomething!

Y抱X的腿:oldbrother ! Forgiveme!

X:Forgiveme? Why?

Y: Oncetherewasachangebeforeme,Ilostit. Ifthegodgivemeantherchance, I’lltellyou“I love you”,Iftheremustbea limited period,Ihopeitisthousandyear!

X:Youshall cheat me!all you did are wrong!how can youtell thelady’s“WC”!

Y:Ilikegoinglady’s WC .I……I……IthinkthatyoulikewhatIlike.(Ｙ又拿出一袋牛奶)

X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思)

K: ayixidailu?What’sthemeaning? whyIalsocan’tunderstandyou?

X:Youarestupid! Itmeans“I love you”.

K:Don’t saythat“you love me”. I’llkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!

X:What? (侧耳装着听不到) You---kill----me?come, come…(Ｘ上去抓住K)

K:Fuckyou. Imustkillyou!

X:Howcanyoukillme? haha……

Y:Letmehaveatry! 3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子，蹲下)

K: thankyouverymuch, yousaveme. Now, I’llgiveyoutheticketforAmericantoletyou

haveavacation.

Y:That’s good. butthereisonemorething. canyougivemea MM ?IwanttogoAmericanwithher.

K:ofcouse.Youaretheonewhohasthesimilartastewithme! Hahaha……小品剧本大全 Y:Hahaha-----

H:Where’ssomewhere?

K:What?

Y:Doyouwanttogolady’s“WC”?

X:Yes,I……I…… do.

H顶着摇头：X,no, no， youcan’tgotoLady’s “WC”. Thatisnottheplacewhereyoucangointo ! becauseyouareX ! youarethe bestmanofChinesekongfu!

X: whatifI’mthebestintheword? !whyItrymybesttolivebutI’mstillsomiserable ? whencanIgetmyfreedom? mustbethedeadday ? !

K: youareright. onewillnotbecleveruntilthedayhedie. Inthatcase ,whywill you die in such a bad sorrow way !gointo theLady’s WC , thendie , comfortablly ! goahead !

H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! goaway !

K; why ? whydoyouhelphim ! whoacturallyareyou ?

H: myreal name isLuXiaofeng------the wifeofX .I’maspy.

K惊讶: !you---you---YouareLuXiaofeng ? X’wife ?

Y: Ihavealreadyrecognizedyou . atricker ! doyouknow, youarethefirst person who cheated me ! because of you ,Ideeide never believe anyone else ,including myself .you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! (轻声说)Ｘwilldie ,goandseehim ,please .

H扑倒在Ｘ的身边：Ｘ,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much hope inthe fature and tomorrow is a goodbeginning !

K:what amoving story !I was impressed !

Y:life is a progress ,but it is depressed that it can not resume !

H: life isa progress ,and it is delight that itneedn’t resume !

(H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏，Ｋ吓跑.音乐《再见，警察》起)

Y痛苦状:don’tleave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please notabandon me !realizethat I’m wrong .help me,I intend to be back ,helpme ,I keyyou ,beg you------help me . I’ll never dothat again !(Y死，音乐停)

（X咳，H扑到身边，电影《我的父亲母亲》原声音乐起）

H: X , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together .

X:gohome ! ?

H:Tomorrow is another day !evenyou have thelast secondto live,youshould be alive ,not only for me , but for ourlove !

X:doyouwant melivealifeinsuchasorrow way ? ok , ok , Ipromise I willbealive for you .but !youknow, Ihavenot timeleft ,but you have ,promisethatyou will be happy everyday !Youmustdome this honor... promise meyou will survive... that youwillnevergiveup... nomatter what happens... no matter howhopeless... promise me now ,andnever let go of that promise.

H: I promise .

X:Never let go .

H:Ipromise . Iwill never let go ,

X.I''''''''ll never letgo.(X死)

H:be alive !yeah , bealive ! bealivewithout ahendance !lifecanbechanceliketimecangotoback . thereisbeatifulsnowbutinsping , solifecancomefromthebeginning ! （H自刎，艰难的爬到X身边死.音乐停。）

 

第二篇：英语搞笑话剧剧本(四人)

甲:Hello,every one, have you ever seen the movie<Avatar>? Yeah, you are right, I'm the director-- Cameron Diaz, applaud , thank you....Recently, I will direct a new movie called < Avatar 2 >, today, there will be a audition and I will select three actresses who can get the chance to perform in this film with famous actress---Anne Hathaway,OK, let's begin. At first , talent show, number one, let's welcome.

乙:(风情万种,妖娆妩媚地走进来,给观众一个飞

吻):oh,honey,dear,sweet,darling director, the most beautiful charming, sexy girl is coming , every body knows me, right? Yeah, I'm Nicole Kidman, open your eyes as big as you can and hold your breath, there will be a unique, fantastic dance show for you, I believe that all of you will be crazy about it ,(打个响指) come some music.(搞笑舞,自由发挥). (跳完,鞠躬,向观众谢幕), thank you,(面向导演), honey, is it a wonderful performance?

甲:(作目瞪口呆状),

乙:(在甲眼前晃手),oh, darling, are you Ok?

甲:eh...my god, have you use some stimulant drugs this morning, you make my nerves nervous. Get out , next one.

乙:oh no ...sweet ,you break my heart...(掩面离去)

丙:oh it seems to be serious. God bless me(画个十字架,镇定地走到甲面前,伸出手), nice to meet you, director.

甲:(与之握手),nice to meet you too,so, introduce yourself please.

丙:I'm Celine Dion, you know, I don't have too many

achievements, I just won five Grammy awards, 12 World Music Awards, 7 American Music Awards , 21 Juno Awards and(做沉思状) oh, I forget it , a Oscar Award, (同学鼓掌,乙作安抚状),oh, calm down, calm down,it's just a piece of cake for me ,you know, I....

甲:ok ,stop, time is limited, just begin

丙:OK!!! I'll use my first signature song to conquer you --my heart will go on, just enjoy it.

near, far, wherever you are

i believe that the heart does go on

once more, you opened the door(甲stop stop,丙不理,继续作深情状)

and you're here in my heart,

and my heart will go on and on.

甲:guard ,guard, help, drag this mad woman out.

Oh, I'm dying, hope the next one will give me a surprise （丁上场）

甲(做厌恶状):oh, it's really a big surprise. What an ugly woman! (Of course, I won’t let you pass.) Why do you come here? 丁: Distinguished director, please give me a chance. I walked 25000km for a year just to compete in this interview. Please give me a chance, please.

甲(?):OK, so what’s your name?

丁: my name is Gaga Su.

甲(上下打量)：EN…ok ok, I’ll give you only 30s. OK? 丁:OK, that’s enough. Thank you, thank you.

I’ll just present a poem I love best. The Furthest Distance in The World.

The furthest distance in the world

世界上最遥远的距离

Is not between life and death

不是生与死

But when I stand in front of you

而是 我就站在你面前

Yet you don't know that I love you

你却不知道我爱你

The furthest distance in the world

世界上最遥远的距离

Is not when I stand in front of you

不是 我就站在你面前

Sir, time is out.

甲：Oh, no no no, just go on.

Yet you can't see my love

你却不知道我爱你

But when undoubtedly knowing the love from both 而是 明明知道彼此相爱

Yet cannot be together

却不能在一起

The furthest distance in the world

世界上最遥远的距离

Is not being apart while being in love 不是 明明知道彼此相爱 却不能在一起

But when painly cannot resist the yearning 而是 明明无法抵挡这股思念

Yet pretending you have never been in my heart

却还得故意装作丝毫没有把你放在心里

That’s all, thank you.

（另外两人跑进来,乙妩媚状）

乙：Honey, you like my dance, right?

丙镇静状: Director, you like my singing, right?

丁深情状: Princess, do you like my poem?

甲(沉迷状):。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。I …I…Er.. You…you are so excellent that I decide to adopt you, Number 3.

甲,乙:Oh, no. Why do you choose her? She is so shabby, and even ugly. We are far better than her. NO, it’s unjust. 甲：Thank you for your performances. But I have to say I learn a lot from her. We can’t judge a person by his appearance, right? She is so talent .One’s appearance can be changed easily, but one’s intellect could not be built in a day. So, I have to say sorry to you.

（乙，丙掩面而泣）

(⊙o⊙)THE END!

Thanks for you watching.