《亲爱的生活》读后感

在这趟旅途中，所有的事情都不会像我们希望的那样发生。 但到最后，这些都不要紧。我们终将原谅这个世界，原谅我们自己。

----亲爱的生活 刚拿到艾丽丝·门罗写的这本小说《亲爱的生活》时，还以为是一本对生活充满正能量的书， 但当我读完第一个篇章 《漂流到日本》时，我发现并没有写到生活中充满关爱和温馨的细节，而是一个女人对平凡婚姻生活的无奈。在这里我看到了人性的变迁，总是以一种偶在的方式发生变异，然后走到不可思议地改变一生的轨道上。 我必须俗套地罗列一下我在这本集子里最喜欢的篇目：《火车》、《亚孟森》。

《火车》，士兵杰克逊从战场逃离回家，从火车上跳下的他打算走最后一段路回家，但是，他穿越的一个农场彻底改变了他的一生：那个农场只有一个女主人。女主人贝尔的丈夫去世，她含辛茹苦地撑持着一个破败的家。强壮的士兵为了换取食物或者为了表达感激，为女主人修缮了屋顶，随着修缮的内容越来越多，士兵开始在这个屋子里定居下来，很快，时间就过去了一年。一个人对另一个人的情感，大概跟投入是成正比的吧。你可以说投入本身就是爱，也可以说，投入才产生了爱。

《亚孟森》的主题是关于情感的不确定性。玛丽去一家医院应聘做临时教师。她遇见了一个外科医生，战争期间流感盛行，一些孩子呆在医院里，需要老师的教导。玛丽看不下教学的松散状况，一度想给孩子们上些“正规”些的课程。却没想到受到了医生的奚落。医生遵循的完全是夏山学校的自由教育理念，比如这句话：“最好不要给他们很大的压力。也就是考试、背诵、分级等这些毫无意义的事情。” 女教师受到了某种羞辱，奇怪的是，这种“羞辱”促成了了解和理解，女人和医生之间萌生了不可思议的“爱情”。 我被小说结尾那句“关于爱，其实一切都没有改变”震到了。是的，爱，不能长相厮守。相守只会窒息爱，分别固然不能养育爱，但是爱因此可以在两人心中存活。

“我们会说起某些无法被原谅的事，某些让我们永远无法原谅自己的事。但我们原谅了，我们每次都原谅了。”这就是艾丽丝·门罗对我们诉述的她对生活无私包容性的看法，我爱这样的概括，说到人心坎上去了。我们无法坐着时光机回到过去，去改变历史已经既成的事实。但是随着时间的迁移，我们真的会慢慢原谅，用我们自己的方式来原谅自己的过错。我们就是如此这般的对待生活。

《亲爱的生活》是生命的“无常”感受，生命的“无常”正是常态，我们无法预见“相遇”何时何地发生，人群的相遇可能带有某种必然，但是两个人的相遇却是“命运”都难以解释的奇迹。

对于艾丽丝·门罗来说，情感、家庭是她擅长的写作风格，不管是否虚构，我都觉得这是真实的，这些事情好像就发生在身边，她能

很准确的把握家庭里面的矛盾，或者是人与人之间的那种感情描写，我喜欢那样的真实，可以触碰的到的感觉。看完这本书，我想我是真的爱上了艾丽丝·门罗，这个很会写平凡细致生活的人。（刘娟）

 

第二篇：亲爱的生活之沙砾(部分中英文对照)

砾石坑（小说）——作者 爱丽丝·蒙若 摘自《纽约客》

At that time we were living beside a gravel pit. Not a large one, hollowed out by monster machinery, just a minor pit that a farmer must have made some money from years before. In fact, the pit was shallow enough to lead you to think that there might have been some other intention for it—foundations for a house, maybe, that never made it any further.

当时我们住在一个砾石坑附近。并不大，是用怪物机挖出来的，就是那种几年前农民为了赚点钱肯定会挖的小坑。事实上，那坑浅得让你觉得好像它原来肯定有别的用处，比如房子的地基之类的，那种你永远都不会在它上面动下一步的地基。

My mother was the one who insisted on calling attention to it. “We live by the old gravel pit out the service-station road,” she’d tell people, and laugh, because she was so happy to have shed everything connected with the house, the street—the husband—with the life she’d had before.

我母亲是唯一坚持要我们小心这个砾石坑的人。“我们住在一个旧砾石坑旁边，这路上都没有加油站”，她会这么告诉别人，然后大笑，因为她摆脱了所有和房子有关的东西--街道，从前和她一起生活的丈夫，她觉得很开心。

I barely remember that life. That is, I remember some parts of it clearly, but without the links you need to form a proper picture. All that I retain in my head of the house in town is the wallpaper with Teddy bears in my old room. In this new house, which was really a trailer, my sister, Caro, and I had narrow cots, stacked one above the other. When we first moved there, Caro talked to me a lot about our old house, trying to get me to remember this or that. It was when we were in bed that she talked like this, and generally the conversation ended with me failing to remember and her getting cross. Sometimes I thought I did remember, but out of contrariness or fear of getting things wrong I pretended not to.

我几乎不记得那段日子了。我是说，有些事记得很清楚，但是我没法用清晰的线索勾勒出一幅恰当的图片。关于那所镇上的房子，我记忆里留下的只有我那个旧房间里的泰迪熊墙纸。在这所新房子，或者不如说是露营车里，我和姐姐卡萝睡的是狭窄的双层帆布床，一层叠着另一层。我们刚搬到那儿时，卡萝常和我聊起老屋，企图让我记起样那样的事。然而有些事我都不记得了，她会因此生气，这些对话也就这样逐渐结束了。有时我觉得我是记得的，但是为了免于纠结或是因为担心混淆事情，我干脆装作不记得了。

It was summer when we moved to the trailer. We had our dog with us. Blitzee.

“Blitzee loves it here,” my mother said, and it was true. What dog wouldn’t love to exchange a town street, even one with spacious lawns and big houses, for the wide-open countryside? She took to barking at every car that went past, as if she owned the road, and now and then she brought home a squirrel or a groundhog she’d killed. At first Caro was quite upset by this, and Neal would have a talk with

her, explaining about a dog’s nature and the chain of life in which some things had to eat other things.

我们搬到露营车里的时候是夏天，还有我们的狗狗布利兹。“布利兹喜欢这儿，” 母亲说，的确如此。对一条狗来说，用敞朗的乡下地块换掉城镇的街道，尽管镇上有大草坪大楼房，这样一笔交易，有什么可不称心的呢？。她对经过的每辆车都狂吠，就好像整条路都是她的，还时不时往家里叼回来一只她咬死的松鼠或土拨鼠。起初卡萝对这些很反感，尼尔就会找她谈，跟她解释这是狗的天性，食物链里必须有一方吃另一方。

“She gets her dog food,” Caro argued, but Neal said, “Suppose she didn’t? Suppose someday we all disappeared and she had to fend for herself?”

“她有狗粮可以吃啊”，卡萝争辩道，但是尼尔说，“但是如果她没吃呢？如果有一天我们全都不在了，她怎么喂饱自己呢？”

“I’m not going to,” Caro said. “I’m not going to disappear, and I’m always going to look after her.”

“我不会的，”卡萝回道，“我不会走开的，我会永远照顾她。”

“You think so?” Neal said, and our mother stepped in to deflect him. Neal was always ready to get on the subject of the Americans and the atomic bomb, and our mother didn’t think we were ready for that yet. She didn’t know that when he brought it up I thought he was talking about an atomic bun. I knew that there was

something wrong with this interpretation, but I wasn’t about to ask questions and get laughed at.

“你确定么？”尼尔反问，这时母亲走进来把他撵走。尼尔总喜欢讨论美国人和原子弹，母亲觉得对我和卡萝来说，这些话题还为时过早。她并不知道每次尼尔谈起这些的时候我老觉得他在说原子弹甜面包（一种花式圆面包）。我知道我的理解有点问题，但是我不打算提问，免得被嘲笑。

Neal was an actor. In town there was a professional summer theatre, a new thing at the time, which some people were enthusiastic about and others worried about, fearing that it would bring in riffraff. My mother and father had been among those in favor, my mother more actively so, because she had more time. My father was an insurance agent and travelled a lot. My mother had got busy with various

fund-raising schemes for the theatre and donated her services as an usher. She was good-looking and young enough to be mistaken for an actress. She’d begun to dress like an actress, too, in shawls and long skirts and dangling necklaces. She’d left her hair wild and stopped wearing makeup. Of course, I had not understood or even particularly noticed these changes at the time. My mother was my mother. But no doubt Caro had. And my father. Though, from all that I know of his nature and his feelings for my mother, I think he may have been proud to see how good she looked in these liberating styles and how well she fit in with the theatre people. When he spoke about this time later on, he said that he had always approved of the arts. I can imagine now how embarrassed my mother would have been, cringing

and laughing to cover up her cringing, if he'd made this declaration in front of her theatre friends.

尼尔是个演员，镇上有个专业的夏日剧场，在那会儿是个新玩意儿，有人为之狂热，有人为之忧虑，担心剧院招来一些混混。我父母都站在支持的那边，母亲尤甚，因为她更闲。父亲做保险经纪，常出差。母亲则忙着为剧场募集自己，她自己也在那里做志愿引座员。她那时年轻漂亮，常被误认为演员。慢慢她也开始像女演员一样穿戴，长裙，披肩，吊坠项链。她会野性十足地披着头发，素面朝天。当然，当时我无法理解她的这些改变，我甚至都没怎么注意到这些。我觉得母亲还是我的母亲。但是毫无疑问，卡萝注意到了。父亲也注意到了。这些前卫造型能衬出母亲的美丽，她和剧院的人处得也很融洽，以我对父亲的个性和他对母亲的感情的了解，他应该对这些感到非常骄傲。后来谈起那段时光，父亲总是说他一直很支持艺术事业。尽管当时如此，现在假如父亲当着母亲剧院的那些朋友这样宣告，她一定会觉得尴尬，拘谨地笑笑，来掩饰她的不安。

Well, then came a development that could have been foreseen and probably was, but not by my father. I don’t know if it happened to any of the other volunteers. I do know, though I don’t remember it, that my father wept and for a whole day followed my mother around the house, not letting her out of his sight and refusing to believe her. And, instead of telling him anything to make him feel better, she told him something that made him feel worse.

然后，就发生了预想得到的变化，可能谁都猜得到，除了父亲。我不知道这种事是不是也发生在其他志愿者的身上。尽管我不记得了，但是我确确实实知道，父亲整日哭泣，跟在母亲

身后，跟着她在屋子周围转悠，不让她走出他的视线，也不愿意再相信她。至于我母亲，她没有跟父亲说任何让他觉得好过一点的事，却说了件让他觉得更糟的事。

She told him that the baby was Neal’s.

她告诉他，孩子是尼尔的。

Was she sure?

她确定？

Absolutely. She had been keeping track.

错不了。她一直算着日子。

What happened then?

然后呢？

My father gave up weeping. He had to get back to work. My mother packed up our things and took us to live with Neal in the trailer he had found, out in the country. She said afterward that she had wept, too. But she said also that she had felt alive. Maybe for the first time in her life, truly alive. She felt as if she had been given a chance; she had started her life all over again. She’d walked out on her silver and her china and her decorating scheme and her flower garden and even on the books in her bookcase. She would live now, not read. She’d left her clothes hanging in the closet and her high-heeled shoes in their shoe trees. Her diamond ring and her

wedding ring on the dresser. Her silk nightdresses in their drawer. She meant to go around naked at least some of the time in the country, as long as the weather stayed warm.

然后父亲停止了哭泣，继续工作。母亲打包好东西，带着我们来到了乡下，和尼尔一起住在他找到的露营车里。她说后来她也哭过，但是她觉得她在活着。也许是她一生中第一次，真真切切地活着。她觉得好像得到了另一个机会，一个让她的生活彻底重新翻牌的机会。她从那个地方走了出来，留下她的银器和瓷器，她的装修方案，她的花园，甚至她书架上的书。从现在起她要开始生活，而不是阅读。她宁愿留下挂在柜子里的衣服，鞋架上的高跟鞋，留下她梳妆台上的钻戒和婚戒，留下她抽屉里的那些丝绸晚礼服。有时，只要天气和暖，她会故意一丝不挂地出门，在乡间走动。

That didn’t work out, because when she tried it Caro went and hid in her cot and even Neal said he wasn’t crazy about the idea.

但那行不通，因为每次当她尝试裸走，卡萝都会躲到她的小床上，尼尔怎么解释母亲没疯都没用。

What did he think of all this? Neal. His philosophy, as he put it later, was to welcome whatever happened. Everything is a gift. We give and we take.

对这一切，尼尔是怎么想的呢？如他后来说的那样，他的人生哲学，是拥抱发生的一切事情。任何事都是一件天赐的礼物。我们付出，然后我们获取。

I am suspicious of people who talk like this, but I can’t say that I have a right to be.

对于用这种口吻说话的人，我总是报之以怀疑，但是我不能说我有权利这么做。

He was not really an actor. He had got into acting, he said, as an experiment. To see what he could find out about himself. In college, before he dropped out, he had performed as part of the chorus in “Oedipus Rex.” He had liked that—the giving yourself over, blending with others. Then one day, on the street in Toronto, he ran into a friend who was on his way to try out for a summer job with a new small-town theatre company. He went along, having nothing better to do, and ended up

getting the job, while the other fellow didn’t. He would play Banquo. Sometimes they make Banquo’s ghost visible, sometimes not. This time they wanted a visible version and Neal was the right size. An excellent size. A solid ghost.

他并不是个真正的演员。他只是很爱表演，他说，演戏像是一种实验。表演能让他挖掘自己，看看他的灵魂里有些什么东西。在他从大学退学前，他在《俄狄浦斯王》的合唱里扮演一个角色。他很喜欢那么做--把自己彻底地付出，投入，然后与他人融合在一起。然后某一天，在多伦多的一条街上，他碰到了一个朋友，那个朋友正要去一个新的小镇剧院公司招一份暑期工。他也跟着去了，因为找不到更好的事情做，结果他得到了那份工作，他朋友却没有。他在戏里扮演班柯。有时他们让班柯的鬼魂被看见，有时让它隐形。这回他们想要一个看得见的班柯，尼尔的身板正合他们心意。一个很棒的尺码。一个结实的鬼魂。

He had been thinking of wintering in our town anyway, before my mother sprang her surprise. He had already spotted the trailer. He had enough carpentry

experience to pick up work renovating the theatre, which would see him through till spring. That was as far ahead as he liked to think.

在母亲接开她的秘密之前，他想过在我们镇上过冬。当时他已经看中了那辆越野车。他有足够的干木匠活儿的经验，翻新剧院完全没有问题，这些活儿足够他做到春天了。他愿意想到的就是这么远了。

Caro didn’t even have to change schools. She was picked up by the school bus at the end of the short lane that ran alongside the gravel pit. She had to make friends with the country children, and perhaps explain some things to the town children who had been her friends the year before, but if she had any difficulty with that I never heard about it.

卡萝甚至用不着转校。她在小路的尽头坐校车，路边就挨着满是碎石的砾石坑。她只能和乡下孩子作朋友，也许还会和镇上的孩子们解释些什么，那些孩子前一年还是她的朋友。但是要说她面对这些觉得有难处的话，我却从来没从她那里听到过任何表示。

Blitzee was always waiting by the road for her to come home.

布利兹总是在路边等着她回家。

I didn’t go to kindergarten, because my mother didn’t have a car. But I didn’t mind doing without other children. Caro, when she got home, was enough for me. And my mother was often in a playful mood. As soon as it snowed that winter she and I built a snowman and she asked, “Shall we call it Neal?” I said O.K., and we stuck various things on it to make it funny. Then we decided that I would run out of the house when his car came and say, “Here’s Neal, here’s Neal!” but be pointing

up at the snowman. Which I did, but Neal got out of the car mad and yelled that he could have run me over.

我没去上幼儿园，因为母亲没有车。但我并不介意没有其他孩子陪我。当卡萝回家时，我就有伴儿了。而且母亲也总是一副玩性甚浓的样子。那天冬天一下雪，她就和我一起堆了一个雪人，她问，“我们能叫他尼尔么？”我说可以啊，然后我们往雪人身上粘了好多东西，它看起来很滑稽。我们商量好，当尼尔的车开进来时，我就跑出屋子，大喊“尼尔在这尔！尼尔在这儿！”，这话要指着雪人说，而不是真正的尼尔。我这么干了，但是尼尔下车的时候却抓狂了，冲我大吼刚才他差点从我身上碾过去。

That was one of the few times that I saw him act like a father.

那一次是我看过他为数不多的表现得像父亲的一次。

Those short winter days must have seemed strange to me—in town, the lights came on at dusk. But children get used to changes. Sometimes I wondered about our other house. I didn’t exactly miss it or want to live there again—I just wondered where it had gone.

那个短暂的冬天对我来说极为陌生--我看到镇上的灯光亮了又暗。但是孩子们总是很容易习惯改变。有时我会对我们的另一栋屋子感到好奇，我并不想念它，也并不想再搬回那里住--我只是好奇它去了哪里。

My mother’s good times with Neal went on into the night. If I woke up and had to go to the bathroom, I’d call for her. She would come happily but not in any hurry,

with some piece of cloth or a scarf wrapped around her—also a smell that I associated with candlelight and music. And love.

母亲和尼尔的快乐时光一直延伸入夜。假如我晚上醒来要上厕，我会叫她。她总是不慌不忙地过来，非常开心，用某块布或者毛巾包着身体--身上散发着一种令我联想到烛光和音乐的气息。还有爱情。

Something did happen that was not so reassuring, but I didn’t try to make much sense of it at the time. Blitzee, our dog, was not very big, but she didn’t seem small enough to fit under Caro’s coat. I don’t know how Caro managed to do it. Not once but twice. She hid the dog under her coat on the school bus, and then, instead of going straight to school, she took Blitzee back to our old house in town, which was less than a block away. That was where my father found the dog, on the winter porch, which was not locked, when he came home for his solitary lunch. There was great surprise that she had got there, found her way home like a dog in a story. Caro made the biggest fuss, and claimed not to have seen the dog at all that

morning. But then she made the mistake of trying it again, maybe a week later, and this time, though nobody on the bus or at school suspected her, our mother did. 后来发生了一件让人觉得不那么安心的事。当时我并没有觉得那件事有什么特殊意义。我们的狗狗布利兹，虽然不是条大型犬，但是看起来也不至于小到能穿上卡萝的外套。我不知道卡萝是怎么想法给它套上的。而且不只一次，是两次。她把狗狗藏在外套里，带上小车，然后，并没有直接去学校，而是去了距此不到一条街的镇上的老家。冬天的门廊没有上锁，父亲就是在那儿发现布利兹的，当时他刚回家，准备孤独地吃午餐。对他来说，她回去真是一

个天大的惊喜，像故事里的狗那样找到了回家的路。卡萝前所未有地焦躁，声称她一整个早上都没有见过狗。但是大概一周之后，当她故技重施的时候却露陷了，这一次，尽管校车上和学校里所有人都没有怀疑她有什么不对劲，妈妈却察觉到了。

I can’t remember if our father brought Blitzee back to us. I can’t imagine him in the trailer or at the door of the trailer or even on the road to it. Maybe Neal went to the house in town and picked her up. Not that that’s any easier to imagine.

我记不得是否是父亲把布利兹带来还给我们。我没法想象他在露营车里，或者站在车门旁，我甚至无法想象他在来这里的路上。也许是尼尔去了镇上的那栋屋，把她接回来的。这并不是说这情景就更容易想象一些。

If I’ve made it sound as though Caro was unhappy or scheming all the time, that isn’t the truth. As I’ve said, she did try to make me talk about things, at night in bed, but she wasn’t constantly airing grievances. It wasn’t her nature to be sulky. She was far too keen on making a good impression. She liked people to like her; she liked to stir up the air in a room with the promise of something you could even call merriment. She thought more about that than I did.

如果我讲的这些让卡萝听起来像总是闷闷不乐或者诡计多端的样子，那事实并不是这样的。如我所说，晚上睡觉时，她总想让我聊着聊那的，但是她并不总是在诉苦。她天性并不阴郁。她太热衷于给人留下好印象了。她喜欢大家都喜爱她，喜欢在房间里搅气氛，做出种种承诺，你简直可以管那些诺言叫做欢乐。对于这些，她想得比我多太多了。

She was the one who most took after our mother, I think now.

现在我以为，那时她是最像母亲的那一个。

There must have been some probing about what she’d done with the dog. I think I can remember some of it.

肯定有人好奇她到底对狗做了什么吧。我想我大概能记起来一些。

“I did it for a trick.”

“我只是觉得好玩来着。”

“Do you want to go and live with your father?”

“你想去和爸爸一起住么？”

I believe that was asked, and I believe she said no.

我肯定当时问了这个问题，而且她肯定说了不。

I didn’t ask her anything. What she had done didn’t seem strange to me. That’s probably how it is with younger children—nothing that the strangely powerful older child does seems out of the ordinary.

我没问她任何事。我不觉得她做的事情很奇怪。年幼的孩子大概都会这么想--异常强大的年长的孩子所做的事情，都没有什么不寻常的吧。

Our mail was deposited in a tin box on a post, down by the road. My mother and I would walk there every day, unless it was particularly stormy, to see what had been

left for us. We did this after I got up from my nap. Sometimes it was the only time we went outside all day. In the morning, we watched children’s television shows—or she read while I watched. (She had not given up reading for very long.) We heated up some canned soup for lunch, then I went down for my nap while she read some more. She was quite big with the baby now and it stirred around in her stomach, so that I could feel it. Its name was going to be Brandy—already was Brandy—whether it was a boy or a girl.

我们的信件投在邮局的一个锡信箱里，就在路那头的边上。除非是暴雨天，我和母亲每天都会走到那儿去，看看谁给我们寄了什么。我们总是在我午睡醒来之后出发。有时那是我们整天唯一一次外出的时机。早上我们一起看儿童电视节目--或者是我看电视，她读书(她并没荒废读书多久)。中午我们热些罐头汤，然后我就下去睡午觉，她继续读书。有了孩子以后，她变得很臃肿，胎儿总是在她肚子里翻跟头，我能摸到它。我们也许会叫它布兰迪--后来确实叫了这名字--不管是男孩还是女孩。

One day when we were going down the lane for the mail, and were in fact not far from the box, my mother stopped and stood quite still.

那天我们照常去取信，已经快到邮箱那儿了，母亲突然停住，站在那里一动不动。

“Quiet,” she said to me, though I hadn’t said a word or even played the shuffling game with my boots in the snow.

“别吵”， 她冲我说，可是我什么也没说，也没有在雪地里蹭我的靴子玩儿来着。

“I was being quiet,” I said.

“我没吵”，我申辩着。

“Shush. Turn around.”

“嘘，转过去。”

“But we didn’t get the mail.”

“可是我们还没拿信呢。”

“Never mind. Just walk.”

“没关系。走就是了。”

Then I noticed that Blitzee, who was always with us, just behind or ahead of us, wasn’t there anymore. Another dog was, on the opposite side of the road, a few feet from the mailbox.

然后我发现刚刚一直走在我们前面的布利兹不见了。路对面出现了另一条狗，离邮箱几尺远。 My mother phoned the theatre as soon as we got home and let in Blitzee, who was waiting for us. Nobody answered. She phoned the school and asked someone to tell the bus driver to drive Caro up to the door. It turned out that the driver couldn’t do that, because it had snowed since Neal last plowed the lane, but he did watch until she got to the house. There was no wolf to be seen by that time.

一回到家，布利兹已经在门口等着了，我们把它放进屋里，母亲马上给剧院打了电话。没人接。然后她给学校打电话，叫人告诉司机，让他把卡萝载到家门口。但是司机没法那么做，s尼尔上次清理过门前那条小路之后就一直在下雪，不过他倒确实看着她走到家门口了。那会儿并没人发现有狼出没。

Neal was of the opinion that there never had been one. And if there had been, he said, it would have been no danger to us, weak as it was probably from hibernation. 尼尔认为那儿从来就没出现过一头狼。如果有过的话，他说，那我们也没什么危险，冬眠的狼都很虚弱。

Caro said that wolves did not hibernate. “We learned about them in school.” 卡萝反驳说狼可不冬眠。“我们在学校学过这个。”

Our mother wanted Neal to get a gun.

母亲想让尼尔去弄把枪。

“You think I’m going to get a gun and go and shoot a goddam poor mother wolf who has probably got a bunch of babies back in the bush and is just trying to protect them, the way you’re trying to protect yours?” he said quietly.

“你觉得我会拿着枪去射死一头该死的可怜的母狼，她可能刚刚在后面的灌木丛里生了一窝仔，只想保护它们，就像你保护你的孩子那样，你真这么觉得么？”他很冷静地问。 Caro said, “Only two. They only have two at a time.”

卡萝插嘴说，“只有两只。它们一次只生两只仔。”

“O.K. O.K. I’m talking to your mother.”

“好啦好啦。我是在和你妈妈说话。”

“You don’t know that,” my mother said. “You don’t know if it’s got hungry cubs or anything.”

"你懂什么，"母亲说，“你根本没法知道它究竟是有嗷嗷待哺的幼崽还是别的。” I had never thought she’d talk to him like that.

我从来没想过，她会用那种口气和他说话。

He said, “Easy. Easy. Let’s just think a bit. Guns are a terrible thing. If I went and got a gun, then what would I be saying? That Vietnam was O.K.? That I might as well have gone to Vietnam?”

他安抚道，“放松点，放松点。我们就想一点，好吗？枪支是危险的玩意儿。如果我真去搞了一把枪回来，想想我会说什么？越南也没什么好怕的？我不如去越南？”

“You’re not an American.”

“你根本不像个美国人。”

“You’re not going to rile me.”

“别想激怒我。”

This is more or less what they said, and it ended up with Neal not having to get a gun. We never saw the wolf again, if it was a wolf. I think my mother stopped going to get the mail, but she may have become too big to be comfortable doing that anyway.

他们当时的对话大致如此，最后以尼尔不去弄抢而告终。我们再也没有见过那头狼，如果那东西确实是狼的话。我觉得母亲打那以后就不再去取信了，不过她也确实变得太臃肿了，继续天天取信太为难她了。

The snow dwindled magically. The trees were still bare of leaves and my mother made Caro wear her coat in the mornings, but she came home after school dragging it behind her.

雪神奇地变小了。树仍旧光秃秃的没有叶子，早上母亲非让卡萝穿上外套，放学回家的时候，那外套就被她拖在地上了。

My mother said that the baby had got to be twins, but the doctor said it wasn’t. 母亲说她怀的是双胞胎，但是医生说不是的。

“Great. Great,” Neal said, all in favor of the twins idea. “What do doctors know.” “挺好。挺好。”尼尔说，他为双胞胎的念头欢欣鼓舞。“那些医生知道什么。”

The gravel pit had filled to its brim with melted snow and rain, so that Caro had to edge around it on her way to catch the school bus. It was a little lake, still and

dazzling under the clear sky. Caro asked with not much hope if we could play in it. 雨雪把那个砾石坑填满了，都快溢出来了，所以卡萝去上学的时候只能绕着它走，去赶校车。它变成了一个小湖，在清朗的天空下静静的，闪闪的。卡萝问我们能不能在那儿玩，但是她没抱多少希望。

Our mother said not to be crazy. “It must be twenty feet deep,” she said. 母亲说只要不玩得太疯就行。“那儿肯定有二十尺那么深，”她说。

Neal said, “Maybe ten.”

尼尔说，“也许是十尺。”

Caro said, “Right around the edge it wouldn’t be.”

卡萝说，“就在边上，不会有那么深的。”

Our mother said yes it was. “It just drops off,” she said. “It’s not like going in at the beach, for fuck’s sake. Just stay away from it.”

母亲坚持说有那么深。“它肯定很陡，”她说。“这不是在沙滩上，妈的。离它远一点儿。” She had started saying “fuck” quite a lot, perhaps more than Neal did, and in a more exasperated tone of voice.

她开始频繁地说“操”，说得比尼尔都多，听起来也更愤怒。

“Should we keep the dog away from it, too?” she asked him.

“我们也该让狗离那坑远点么？”她问他。

Neal said that that wasn’t a problem. “Dogs can swim.”

尼尔说那没什么关系。“狗都会游泳。”

A Saturday. Caro watched “The Friendly Giant” with me and made comments that spoiled it. Neal was lying on the couch, which unfolded into his and my mother’s bed. He was smoking his kind of cigarettes, which could not be smoked at work so had to be made the most of on weekends. Caro sometimes bothered him, asking to try one. Once he had let her, but told her not to tell our mother

周六。卡萝和我在看“友善的巨人”，边看边发表意见，意见多得都能把巨人压垮了。尼尔趟在沙发上，那沙发一直连着他和母亲的床。他抽着他喜欢的烟，因为上班的时候不能抽，只能在周末可着劲抽。卡萝有时候会去吵他，嚷嚷着要试着抽一根。有一次他同意了，但是要她别告诉母亲。

I was there, though, so I told.

但是他们忘了，我也在那儿。所以我告密了。

There was alarm, though not quite a row.

然后自然就有了警告，但是并没有很严重。

“You know he’d have those kids out of here like a shot,” our mother said. “Never again.”

“你们知道他会把孩子们像子弹一样咻地丢出去，”妈妈说，“下不为例。”

“Never again,” Neal said agreeably. “So what if he feeds them poison Rice Krispies crap?”

“绝对不会”，尼尔欣然同意，“可是如果他喂他们吃下毒的脆米条呢？”

In the beginning, we hadn’t seen our father at all. Then, after Christmas, a plan had been worked out for Saturdays. Our mother always asked afterward if we had had a good time. I always said yes, and meant it, because I thought that if you went to a movie or to look at Lake Huron or ate in a restaurant, that meant that you had had a good time. Caro said yes, too, but in a tone of voice that suggested that it was none of our mother’s business. Then my father went on a winter holiday to Cuba (my mother remarked on this with some surprise and maybe approval) and came back with a lingering sort of flu that caused the visits to lapse. They were supposed to resume in the spring, but so far they hadn’t.

起初，我们根本见不到父亲。直到圣诞之后，我们才开始每周六去看父亲。母亲总是在事过之后问我们是否玩得开心。我总是说开心，我说的是真心话，因为我觉得如果你去看了一场电影，或者静静地看休伦湖，又或者在一家餐馆吃饭，那就说明你肯定是玩得很开心。卡萝也说很开心，但是说话的音调明明在暗示这并不关母亲的事。接下来父亲去古巴度寒假（母

亲对此很有些惊讶，也许是赞同），回来之后拖拖踏踏感冒了很久，然后我们的周六拜访就此搁置了。本来春天的时候应该恢复的，但是一直到现在都没有。

After the television was turned off, Caro and I were sent outside to run around, as our mother said, and get some fresh air. We took the dog with us.

关掉电视之后，母亲让我和卡萝和我出去走走，呼吸点新鲜空气。我们把上狗狗也带上了。 When we got outside, the first thing we did was loosen and let trail the scarves our mother had wrapped around our necks. (The fact was, though we may not have put the two things together, the deeper she got into her pregnancy the more she

slipped back into behaving like an ordinary mother, at least when it was a matter of scarves we didn’t need or regular meals. There was not so much championing of wild ways as there had been in the fall.) Caro asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I didn’t know. This was a formality on her part but the honest truth on mine. We let the dog lead us, anyway, and Blitzee’s idea was to go and look at the gravel pit. The wind was whipping the water up into little waves, and very soon we got cold, so we wound our scarves back around our necks.

出去之后，我们做的第一件事就是松开母亲给我们围的围巾，任它拖在地上。（事实上，随着母亲孕期的推进，她越来越像个正常的母亲了，尽管我们并没有把这两件事情联系在一起，至少在类似我们其时并不需要的围巾或者一日三餐这样的事情上，确实更像个母亲了。他们不再像秋天的时候那样争着标新立异了。）卡萝问我以后想干嘛，我说不知道。她不过是随口问问，但是对我来说，这是事实。我们让狗狗带着我们走，但是布利兹只顾着一边走一边

看着砾石坑。风像鞭子一样把坑里的水吹出细细波纹，很快我们就觉得冷了，只能重新把围巾围上。

I don’t know how much time we spent just wandering around the water’s edge, knowing that we couldn’t be seen from the trailer. After a while, I realized that I was being given instructions.

我忘了围着水坑我们到底闲逛了多久，只记得我们已经走出了露营车的视野范围。过了好一会儿，我才意识到我是被告诫过不许走太远的。

I was to go back to the trailer and tell Neal and our mother something.

我要回到露营车去告诉尼尔和母亲一点事情。

That the dog had fallen into the water.

告诉他们布利兹掉进水里了。

The dog had fallen into the water and Caro was afraid she’d be drowned. 它掉进水里的时候，卡萝担心它会淹死。

Blitzee. Drownded.

布利兹。腌死了。

Drowned.

淹死了。

But Blitzee wasn’t in the water.

但是布利兹不在水里。

She could be. And Caro could jump in to save her.

她之前还在的。卡萝可能还跳进去救她了。

I believe I still put up some argument, along the lines of she hasn’t, you haven’t, it could happen but it hasn’t. I also remembered that Neal had said dogs didn’t drown.

我记得当时还争论了会儿，她没干嘛，你没干嘛，本来可能怎么样但是后来没有怎么样之类的内容。还记得尼尔说狗没淹死。

卡萝叫我照她说的做。

Why?

为什么啊？

I may have said that, or I may have just stood there not obeying and trying to work up another argument.

也许我这么反问了，也许我只是站在那儿什么也没做，想要引起另一阵争论。

In my mind I can see her picking up Blitzee and tossing her, though Blitzee was trying to hang on to her coat. Then backing up, Caro backing up to take a run at the

water. Running, jumping, all of a sudden hurling herself at the water. But I can’t recall the sound of the splashes as they, one after the other, hit the water. Not a little splash or a big one. Perhaps I had turned toward the trailer by then—I must have done so.

在我的意识里，我看见她把布利兹捞了起来晃着她，但是布利兹想抓住她的喉咙。倒退，卡萝倒退，然后跑向水坑。跑，跳，她突然纵身往水坑一跳。但是我记不起来当她们一个接着一个跳进水坑时，击倒水面水花泼溅的声音了。大小水花，一声都不记得了。也许我当时正朝着露营车跑去——一定是这样来着。

When I dream of this, I am always running. And in my dreams I am running not toward the trailer but back toward the gravel pit. I can see Blitzee floundering around and Caro swimming toward her, swimming strongly, on the way to rescue her. I see her light-brown checked coat and her plaid scarf and her proud successful face and reddish hair darkened at the end of its curls by the water. All I have to do is watch and be happy—nothing required of me, after all.

当我梦到这个场景，我总是在奔跑。在梦里我不是朝着露营车而是砾石坑的方向在跑。我看见布利兹在挣扎而卡萝正在游向她，奋力游着去救她。我看见她浅棕色的外套领子和个子花呢围巾，还有她骄傲胜利的脸和浅红色的卷发，发梢被水打湿显得发暗。我要做的只是看着，庆幸自己什么也不用做。

What I really did was make my way up the little incline toward the trailer. And when I got there I sat down. Just as if there had been a porch or a bench, though in fact

the trailer had neither of these things. I sat down and waited for the next thing to happen.

事实上当时我真正做的是沿着小斜坡一路跑向露营车。到那里我就一屁股坐下了。就好像那儿有门廊或者长凳之类的，尽管在那破车里，这类东西一概没有。我一屁股坐下，等着下一个事件发生。

I know this because it’s a fact. I don’t know, however, what my plan was or what I was thinking. I was waiting, maybe, for the next act in Caro’s drama. Or in the dog’s.

我对此确信无疑，因为它就是事实。尽管我不知道我的计划到底是什么，也不知道我当时在想什么。我等待着，也许等待着卡萝或者狗狗剧本里的下一幕。

I don’t know if I sat there for five minutes. More? Less? It wasn’t too cold. 我坐了有五分钟么？多点？少点？总之当时并不算太冷。

I went to see a professional person about this once and she convinced me—for a time, she convinced me—that I must have tried the door of the trailer and found it locked. Locked because my mother and Neal were having sex and had locked it against interruptions. If I’d banged on the door they would have been angry. The counsellor was satisfied to bring me to this conclusion, and I was satisfied, too. For a while. But I no longer think that was true. I don’t think they would have locked

the door, because I know that once they didn’t and Caro walked in and they laughed at the look on her face.

我专门为此去看了一个专业人士，她说服我相信——有一段时间，她说服我相信——我一定试过了露营车的门并且发现上锁了。因为母亲和尼尔在做爱，所以他们把门上锁了，怕被打扰。如果我拍门，他们一定会很生气。那个心理咨询师对于引导我得出这个结论很满意，我也很满意。满意了有那么一段时间。但是很快我就觉得不对。我觉得他们没有锁门，因为我知道有一次他们没锁，卡萝进去之后，他们看到她脸上的表情大笑。

Maybe I remembered that Neal had said that dogs did not drown, which meant

that Caro’s rescue of Blitzee would not be necessary. Therefore she herself wouldn’t be able to carry out her game. So many games, with Caro.

也许我记得的是尼尔说了狗不会淹死，也就是说卡萝并没必要去救布利兹。所以卡萝并没能使出她的伎俩。卡萝有那么把戏呢。

Did I think she could swim? At nine, many children can. And in fact it turned out that she’d had one lesson the summer before, but then we had moved to the trailer and she hadn’t taken any more. She may have thought she could manage well enough. And I may indeed have thought that she could do anything she wanted to. 我真觉得她会游泳么？很多孩子在9岁都会游泳。事实上，前一年夏天她上过一节游泳课，但是我们搬去露营车之后她再也没上过任何课。她也许认为自己能轻松应付。也许我也真的觉得她可以做到任何她想做的事。

The counsellor did not suggest that I might have been sick of carrying out Caro’s orders, but the thought did occur to me. It doesn’t quite seem right, though. If I’d been older, maybe. At the time, I still expected her to fill my world.

咨询师没有暗示我当时可能已经厌烦了听从卡萝的话，但是这个想法确实出现过。尽管它看起来不太对，如果我当时年纪更大一点的话，也许有这个念头会正常一些。然而在那时，我仍旧期待着卡萝来填满我的世界。

How long did I sit there? Likely not long. And it’s possible that I did knock. After a while. After a minute or two. In any case, my mother did, at some point, open the door, for no reason. A presentiment.

我究竟在那儿坐了多久？似乎并没多久。很有可能我是敲了门的, 在坐了一两分钟之后。无论如何，在某个时刻，母亲确实开了门，无缘无故地开了门。或许出于预感。

Next thing, I am inside. My mother is yelling at Neal and trying to make him

understand something. He is getting to his feet and standing there speaking to her, touching her, with such mildness and gentleness and consolation. But that is not what my mother wants at all and she tears herself away from him and runs out the door. He shakes his head and looks down at his bare feet. His big helpless-looking toes.

接下来，我进了门。母亲正在朝尼尔大喊，想让他明白什么事。他慢慢站起来和她说话，抚摸她，如此轻柔，温和，如此抚慰。但那并不是母亲想要的，她挣脱他，夺门而出。他摇摇头，盯着自己的光脚。盯着他那大大的无助的脚趾们。

I think he says something to me with a singsong sadness in his voice. Strange. 我想他对我说了些什么，声音里有一种单调的悲伤。好奇怪。

Beyond that I have no details.

除此之外，我再不记得任何细节。

My mother didn’t throw herself into the water. She didn’t go into labor from the shock. My brother, Brent, was not born until a week or ten days after the funeral, and he was a full-term infant. Where she was while she waited for the birth to happen I do not know. Perhaps she was kept in the hospital and sedated as much as possible under the circumstances.

母亲没有把自己扔进水坑里。在这巨大的震惊之后，她没有回去工作。葬礼结束后过了十来天，我弟弟布伦特出生了，一个足月产儿。我都不知道待产的这段时间她在哪儿。也许她在医院，在当时那种情况下尽可能让自己平静下来。

I remember the day of the funeral quite well. A very pleasant and comfortable

woman I didn’t know—her name was Josie—took me on an expedition. We visited some swings and a sort of doll’s house that was large enough for me to go inside, and we ate a lunch of my favorite treats, but not enough to make me sick. Josie was somebody I got to know very well later on. She was a friend my father had made in Cuba, and after the divorce she became my stepmother, his second wife.

葬礼那天，我记得很清楚。有一个和蔼亲切的陌生女人——她的名字叫乔茜——带我去旅行。我们坐了秋千，还去了一个玩偶房子，那房子大得足够我进去，然后吃了一顿我最爱吃的，我差点吃到恶心。从那以后，我就和乔茜很熟了。她是父亲在古巴的朋友，父亲和母亲离婚之后，她就成了我的继母，父亲的第二个妻子。

My mother recovered. She had to. There was Brent to look after and, most of the time, me. I believe I stayed with my father and Josie while she got settled in the house that she planned to live in for the rest of her life. I don’t remember being there with Brent until he was big enough to sit up in his high chair.

母亲终于恢复了。她必须恢复。她要照顾布伦特，大多数时候还要照顾我。我和父亲乔茜呆在一起的时候她一定已经在那个她打算度过余生的地方安顿下来了。在布伦特大到能坐进他的高脚椅之前，我都不记得和他一起在那个地方呆过。

My mother went back to her old duties at the theatre. At first she may have worked as she had before, as a volunteer usher, but by the time I was in school she had a real job, with pay, and year-round responsibilities. She was the business manager. The theatre survived, through various ups and downs, and is still going now.

母亲回剧院做起了老行当。一开始，她也许只能和以前一样，做个义务引座员。等我到了上学的年纪，她已经转正了，有薪水和年度考核。她当上了业务经理。经历大起大落之后，剧院生存了下来，业务一直在增长。

Neal didn’t believe in funerals, so he didn’t attend Caro’s. He never saw Brent. He wrote a letter—I found this out much later—saying that since he did not intend to

act as a father it would be better for him to bow out at the start. I never mentioned him to Brent, because I thought it would upset my mother. Also because Brent showed so little sign of being like him—like Neal—and seemed, in fact, so much more like my father that I really wondered about what was going on around the time he was conceived. My father has never said anything about this and never would. He treats Brent just as he treats me, but he is the kind of man who would do that anyway.

尼尔不信葬礼，所以他没有参加卡萝的葬礼。也没见过布伦特。他留下一封信——很久以后我才发现这封信——他说他不想要父亲的角色，他最好从一开始就退出。在布伦特面前我从未提起过尼尔，怕母亲会伤心。布伦特也一点都不像尼尔，相反，他更像父亲，我很好奇他还在母亲独自里的那段时间到底发生了什么。父亲也从来不提这段时间的事，以后也不会。他对布伦特就像对我一样，他就是那样的男人。

He and Josie have not had any children of their own, but I don’t think that bothers them. Josie is the only person who ever talks about Caro, and even she doesn’t do it often. She does say that my father doesn’t hold my mother responsible. He has also said that he must have been sort of a stick-in-the-mud when my mother

wanted more excitement in her life. He needed a shaking-up, and he got one. There’s no use being sorry about it. Without the shaking-up, he would never have found Josie and the two of them would not have been so happy now.

他和乔茜没有孩子，但是我想这一点都不影响。乔茜是唯一会提起卡萝的人，但即便是她也提得不多。她说父亲没有监督好母亲。父亲也说当母亲希望她生活里能有更多激情的时候，

他表现得像根木头。他需要一些震动，他也确实得到了。但是对这件事，没有什么好遗憾的。没有这个震动，他永远也不会遇到乔茜，他们俩现在也不会过得这么快乐。

“Which two?” I might say, just to derail him, and he would staunchly say, “Josie. Josie, of course.”

“哪两个人？”也许我该问他，只是想挑衅，然后他应该会坚定地说，“乔茜。当然是和乔茜。”

My mother cannot be made to recall any of those times, and I don’t bother her with them. I know that she has driven down the lane we lived on, and found it quite changed, with the sort of trendy houses you see now, put up on unproductive land. She mentioned this with the slight scorn that such houses evoke in her. I went down the lane myself but did not tell anyone. All the eviscerating that is done in families these days strikes me as a mistake.

跟母亲不能提任何那段时间发生的事情，我也从不让她回忆。我知道她曾经沿着我们住的那条路一直开到底，发现那里已经完全变了，到处是现在流行的那种时髦房子，建在不毛之地上。她提起这件事的时候，语气里充满了轻蔑，那些时髦房子唤起的轻蔑。我偷偷去过那条路，谁也没告诉。那段时间把整个家庭挖空的所有事情，像一个巨大的错误把我击倒。 Even where the gravel pit was a house now stands, the ground beneath it levelled. 砾石坑那儿现在也已经是一幢房子，地基也变高了。

I have a partner, Ruthann, who is younger than I am but, I think, somewhat wiser. Or at least more optimistic about what she calls routing out my demons. I would never have got in touch with Neal if it had not been for her urging. Of course, for a long time I had no way, just as I had no thought, of getting in touch. It was he who finally wrote to me. A brief note of congratulations, he said, after seeing my picture in the Alumni Gazette. What he was doing looking through the Alumni Gazette I have no idea. I had received one of those academic honors that mean something in a restricted circle and little anywhere else.

我的女朋友露丝安，比我小，但是比我要聪明点儿。至少在她称之为“挖出我的心魔”这件事情上，她要更乐观点。如果不是她催，我大概永远也不会和尼尔联系上了。当然在很长一段时间里，我没有办法也没有想过要联系他。是他给我写信。写个便条恭喜你，他说，他在校友通讯上看到我的照片了。我不知道他翻完整本校友通讯是要干嘛。我得了一个学术奖，在某个小圈子里这奖会有点用处，但是在别的地方一点用都没有。

He was living hardly fifty miles away from where I teach, which also happens to be where I went to college. I wondered if he had been there at that time. So close. Had he become a scholar?

他住的地方离我教书的学校都不到五十英里，那儿也是我上大学的地方。我不知道我读大学时他是否也住在那里。太近了。他现在变成一个学者了么？

At first I had no intention of replying to the note, but I told Ruthann and she said that I should think about writing back. So the upshot was that I sent him an e-mail,

and arrangements were made. I was to meet him in his town, in the unthreatening surroundings of a university cafeteria. I told myself that if he looked unbearable—I did not quite know what I meant by this—I could just walk on through.

开始我并不像回他的便条，但是露丝安知道之后，她说我应该考虑回信。结果是我回了一封电邮给他，约他见面。我打算在他住的镇上跟他碰面，在一家气氛温和的大学咖啡馆里。我告诉自己如果他的样子不堪入目——我不太确定自己这么想到底是要表达什么——我只管走开就是了。

He was shorter than he used to be, as adults we remember from childhood usually are. His hair was thin, and trimmed close to his head. He got me a cup of tea. He was drinking tea himself.

他比我记忆中看起来要矮了，那会儿我们还是孩子。头发也变少了，理得贴着头皮。他帮我点了一杯茶。自己也在喝茶。

What did he do for a living?

他靠什么谋生呢？

He said that he tutored students in preparation for exams. Also, he helped them write their essays. Sometimes, you might say, he wrote those essays. Of course, he charged.

他说他教书，辅导学生备考。同时也指导他们写论文。你可以说，有时候是他写了那些论文。当然，都是收钱的。

“It’s no way to get to be a millionaire, I can tell you.”

“根本不可能成为百万富翁，我可以告诉你。”

He lived in a dump. Or a semi-respectable dump. He liked it. He looked for clothes at the Sally Ann. That was O.K., too.

他住在一个垃圾回收站。或者说，一个还算体面的回收站。他喜欢那儿。他去Sally Ann买衣服。那也没什么。

“Suits my principles.”

“我穿衣服很有原则。”

I did not congratulate him on any of this, but, to tell the truth, I doubt that he expected me to.

对他讲的这些，我没有一点想要祝贺他的意思，但是实话说，我很怀疑他正地等着我这么做。 “Anyway, I don’t think my life style is so interesting. I think you might want to know how it happened.”

“我想我的生活方式没什么意思，你可能会想知道怎么会变成现在这样的。”

I could not figure out how to speak.

我都想不出该说什么。

“I was stoned,” he said. “And, furthermore, I’m not a swimmer. Not many swimming pools around where I grew up. I’d have drowned, too. Is that what you wanted to know?”

“我嗑药了，”他说，“还有，还有我不会游泳。我长大的地方根本没有多少泳池。我没准儿也会淹死。这就是你想要知道的吗？”

I said that he was not really the one that I was wondering about.

我告诉他，他根本就不是我在想象的那个人。

Then he became the third person I’d asked, “What do you think Caro had in mind?” 然后他就变成了第三个人，那个我想要问起的人，“你说当时卡萝脑袋里在想什么呢？” The counsellor had said that we couldn’t know. “Likely she herself didn’t know what she wanted. Attention? I don’t think she meant to drown herself. Attention to how bad she was feeling?”

咨询师说我们永远不可能知道答案。“很有可能连她自己都不知道她想要什么。是关注吗？我觉得她不是故意要淹死自己的。她是需要大家注意到她感觉有多糟吗？”

Ruthann had said, “To make your mother do what she wanted? Make her smarten up and see that she had to go back to your father?”

露丝安问起过，“这是为了让你母亲注意到她想要什么吗？为了让你母亲清醒点，看清楚她最好回到你父亲身边？”

Neal said, “It doesn’t matter. Maybe she thought she could paddle better than she could. Maybe she didn’t know how heavy winter clothes can get. Or that there wasn’t anybody in a position to help her.”

尼尔说，“这些猜测都无关紧要。也许她觉得她能比我们玩水玩得更好。也许她没意识到冬天的衣服在水里会变得多重。或者是因为当时周围没有任何人能帮她。”

He said to me, “Don’t waste your time. You’re not thinking what if you had hurried up and told, are you? Not trying to get in on the guilt?”

他告诫我，“别浪费时间了。你是不是在想如果当时你跑得快点，告诉大人会怎样，是不是？然后你就可以不用受内心谴责了吗？”

I said that I had considered what he was saying, but no.

我说，我考虑过他说的这一点，但是我的答案是不。

“The thing is to be happy,” he said. “No matter what. Just try that. You can. It gets to be easier and easier. It’s nothing to do with circumstances. You wouldn’t believe how good it is. Accept everything and then tragedy disappears. Or tragedy lightens, anyway, and you’re just there, going along easy in the world.”

“重要的是要开心，”他说，“无论发生什么事。努力过得开心点。你做得到的。快乐会变得越来越容易。这和环境没关系。你会不敢相信那种感觉有多好。接受所有的事情，悲剧就会消失，或者变轻。不管怎样，你总是在那儿，在这世间自如行走。”

Now, goodbye.

那么，再见了。

I see what he meant. It really is the right thing to do. But, in my mind, Caro keeps running at the water and throwing herself, as if in triumph, and I’m still caught, waiting for her to explain to me, waiting for the splash.

我明白他的意思了。这确实是正确可行的办法。然而在我的脑海里，卡萝一刻不停地跑着，把自己抛进水池，像在宣扬一场胜利，而我依然被紧紧抓附，等待她向我解释，等待水花溅起。

沙砾

那个时候我们住在一个沙砾坑旁边。不是那种用庞大的机器挖出来的大坑，不过是一个很多年前某农场主一定用它赚了点钱的小坑。实际上，它太浅了，会让你认为它可能有别的用处，也许是房子的地基，只是后来房子没盖成。坚持让大家注意那个坑的是妈妈。“我们现在住在加油站那条路上的老沙砾坑旁边。”她对人说，然后哈哈大笑，因为她很高兴摆脱了和镇上那座房子有关的一切，街道，丈夫，她过去的生活。我几乎不记得那段生活。也就是说，我清楚地记得某些部分，但无法将之拼成一幅完整的画面。我脑子里关于镇上那座房子的记忆只有我以前房间里画着玩具熊的墙纸。在这座新房子里——其实是一座拖车房——姐姐卡萝和我睡两张很窄的小床，上下铺。我们刚搬去的时候，卡萝和我说了很多关于以前的房子的事，努力想让我记起这个那个。在我们睡觉的时候她会谈这些，通常说到最后我什么也不记得，她就会很生气。有时候我想我其实记起来了，但因为我记得的和她说的相反，或者因为害怕记错了，所以我假装不记得。我们是在夏天搬进拖车房的。我们把狗带来了。布丽兹。“布丽兹喜欢这儿。”妈妈说。这是真的。哪只狗会不喜欢把镇上的街道换成开阔的乡村呢，即便镇上有宽敞的草坪和高大的房子？它迷上了对每一辆开过的汽车吠叫，好像这条路是它的，还时不时叼回家一只被它杀死的松鼠或土拨鼠。刚开始，这让卡萝感到很苦恼，尼尔和她谈了一次，向她解释了狗的天性，以及某些东西必须吃其他东西的生物链。“可它有狗粮啊。”卡萝争辩说。但尼尔说：“假如它没有呢？假如有一天我们都消失不见了，它必须自己照顾自己呢？”“我不会，”卡萝说，“我不会消失不见，我会永远照顾它。”“你真这么想？”尼尔说。然后妈妈开始干涉，让他转移话题。尼尔总喜欢开启美国人和原子弹的话题，而妈妈认为我们还不应该谈论这些。她不知道当他谈论原子弹的时候我还以为他说的是原子蛋。我知道这个理解不太对劲儿，可我不愿意提问，然后被嘲笑。尼尔是个演员。镇上有一座专业的夏季剧场，这在当时是新生事物，有些人对此非常热心，另一些人则感到担心，怕它会招来一班乌合之众。妈妈和爸爸属于赞成的一方，妈妈尤其积极，因为她有更多的时间。爸爸是保险经纪，长时间出门在外。妈妈忙于各种为剧院募款的活动，还帮剧院做服务性质的工作，担任引座员。她年轻漂亮，常被误认为演员。她也开始像演员一样穿着打扮，披着披肩，穿着长裙，戴着晃悠悠的项链。她任由头发变得凌乱，而且不再化妆。当然，那时我并不明白甚至没有注意到这些变化。妈妈就是妈妈。但毫无疑问卡萝注意到了。爸爸一定也注意到了。但以我对爸爸的天性和他对妈妈的感情的了解，我想当他看到她这样率性的打扮是多么漂亮，和剧院的人在一起又是多么相配，可能会感到很骄傲。后来，当他谈到这段时光的时候，他说他一直是赞成艺术的。现在我可以想见妈妈的尴尬，如果他当着她剧院的朋友这么说，她一定会感到难为情，并用大笑掩饰自己的难为情。嗯，后来出现了一个情况，这个情况本来是可以预见的，而且很可能已经被预见了，但不是被爸爸。我不知道其他志愿者身上是不是也发生了同样的事。我所知道的是——尽管我并不记得——爸爸哭了，一整天都在家里跟着妈妈，不让她走出自己的视线，拒绝相信她。她没有告诉他任何一件可以让他感觉好过一些的事，而是告诉了他一件令他感觉更糟的事。她告诉他孩子是尼尔的。她能肯定吗？绝对肯定。她有记录。那么发生了什么？

爸爸停止了哭，他还得回到工作中去。而妈妈则打包了我们的东西，带着我们一起住进了NEAL在乡下的拖车房。后来妈妈说她也哭了。但是，她又说感觉她还活着。也许这是她生活中的第一次，真正的活着。她感觉好象被给予了一次机会，生活全部重新开始。她想要扔下她的银器、瓷器、装修计划、花园，甚至书架上的书。她要生活，不读书了。那些挂在衣柜里的衣服，鞋架上的高跟鞋，梳妆台上的她的钻石戒指和婚戒，以及躺在抽屉里的真丝晚礼服她也不想要了。只要天气保持暖和，她打算在某些时候，什么也不穿，在乡下四处逛逛。 但是，这个想法没能实现。当她想尝试着这样做的时候，CARO跑到她的床底下躲起来了，NEAL也觉得这个想法太疯狂。

NEAL对于这一切是怎么想的呢？如他后来说的那样，他的人生哲学，是拥抱发生的一切事情。一切都是礼物，我们既给予，同时也接受。

我怀疑说这种话的人，但是我也不能说我有权这么做。

他不是一个真正的演员。他只是很爱表演，他说，演戏像是一种实验。看看他能发现自己点什么东西。在他从大学退学前，他在《俄狄浦斯王》的合唱里扮演一个角色。他喜欢那样，把自己和其他人混在一起。后来有一天，在TORNOTO的大街上，偶遇了一个朋友，那个朋友正要去一个新的小镇剧院公司招一份暑期工。反正也无事可做，他就和朋友一道去了。他最终获得了这份工作，同行的朋友没有被选上。他将扮演Banquo。 有时他们让Banquo的鬼魂被看见，有时让它隐形。这次他们要想一个可以看得见的版本，正好Neal尺寸合适。非常合适的尺寸，一个非常强壮的幽灵。

在母亲接开她的秘密之前，他想过在我们镇上过冬。他早就发现了这个拖车房。他有足够的干木匠活儿的经验，翻新剧院完全没有问题，这些活儿足够他做到春天了。他愿意想到的就是这么远了。

Caro甚至不用换学校。她在小路的尽头坐校车，路边就挨着满是碎石的砾石坑。她必须与乡下的孩子交朋友，也许她还要给一年前在城里结交的朋友们解释。不过，我从来没有听说过她有什么困难。

Blitzee 一直在路边等着她回家。

我不想上幼儿园，因为我妈妈没有车。不过我不在意没有小朋友玩。只要Caro回到家，我就很满足了。我妈妈当时的心情也很愉快。只要冬天一下雪，我妈妈就会和我一起堆雪人。她问雪人的名字可不可以叫Neal? 我说行啊。我们还往雪人身上粘了很多东西，让它看起来十分的滑稽。 然后，我们商量好了，当然Neal的汽车回来的时候，我就从房子里跑出来，一边指着雪人，一边喊“这是Neal，这是Neal”。我照做了。Neal从车里下来，疯狂大喊着一定要抓住我。那一次是我看过他为数不多的表现得像父亲的一次。

在城里的时候，冬天的白天很短，这让我觉得很奇怪。黄昏的时候灯就亮了。但是小孩子通常容易习惯变化。有时候，我也想知道我们另一房子。我完全没有想念房子或者说想再住在那里的想法——我只是想知道它现在怎么样了。

我妈妈和Neal的幸福时光一直要持续到深夜。有时候我醒来要上洗手间，我叫会叫她。她总是不慌不忙地过来，非常开心，用某块布或者毛巾包着身体--身上散发着一种令我联想到烛光和音乐的气息，还有爱。

后来发生了一件令人不安的事，当时我也没有想过要去弄清楚是怎么回事。我们的狗，Blitzee不是很大，但是也不至于小到可以藏在Caro的衣服里。我不知道Caro是怎么做到的。不是一次，而是二次。她把狗藏在衣服里带上校车，然后，并没有直接去学校，而是去了距此不到一条街的镇上的老家。

冬天的门廊没有上锁，父亲就是在那儿发现Blitzee的，当时他刚回家，准备独自吃午餐。狗狗在这里，就是一个惊喜，就象小说故事中的狗狗自己找到了回家的路。

Caro撒谎说今天早上她根本就没有看到狗狗。但是，大约一个星期之后，Caro再次想犯同样的错误。这次，虽然在校车上，在学校里都没有怀疑她，可是我们妈妈却起了疑心。 我不记得是不是我爸爸把Blitzee送回给我们。我无法想像，他在拖车房里，或者在拖车房的门边，甚至在靠近拖车房的马路上。或许是Neal到城里家里把它接回来的。这并不是说这情景就更容易想象一些。

听起来好象Caro不幸福或得一直在计划这件事，这不是真的。就象我说过的那样，晚上躺在床上的时候，Caro总喜欢找我谈些事情，她并没有一直抱怨。生气不是她的天性。她太热衷于给人留下好印象了。她喜欢人们都喜爱她；她喜欢在房间里搅气氛，做出种种承诺，你简直可以管那些诺言叫做欢乐。对于这些，她想得比我多太多了。现在我以为，那时她是最像母亲的那一个。

肯定有人好奇她到底对狗做了什么吧。我想我记一些。

“我玩了个小把戏。”

“你想和爸爸一起生活吗？”

我肯定他们问过这个问题，也同样肯定她的答案是不。

我没有问她任何事情，我不觉得她做的事情很奇怪。可能是因为，在小孩看来，一个奇怪的，有力量的大孩子做的事情，没有什么事情是不同寻常的。

我们的信件投在邮局的一个锡信箱里，就在路那头的边上。除非是暴雨天，我和母亲每天都会走到那儿去，看看谁给我们寄了什么。我们总是在我午睡醒来之后出发。有时候，这就是一整天我们唯一外出的机会。早上，我们会一起看儿童电视节目，或者我看电视时她看书(她没有放弃阅读太长的时间)。我们加热一些罐头汤当作午餐，然后我去睡午觉，她继续读书。有了孩子以后，她变得很臃肿，胎儿总是在她肚子里翻跟头，我能摸到它。她的名字叫Brandy，早就起好了，无论她是男孩或是女孩。

那天我们照常去取信，已经快到邮箱那儿了，母亲突然停住，站在那里一动不动。 “安静，”她对我说，尽管我没有说一个字，也没有穿着靴子在雪地上拖着脚走。 “我一直很安静。”我说。

“嘘，转过身去。”

“但是我们还没有拿到信啊。”

“没关系。走吧。”

我发现Blitzee没在这里，平时它总是和我们在一起，要么在我们前面，要么在我们后面。但是，有另外一条狗在马路对面有，距离邮箱只有几步远。

我们一回到家，就把Blitzee带到房子时城，它一直在等着我们。妈妈打电话给戏院，可是没有人接电话。妈妈又打给学校，请他们告诉校车司机，把Caro送到家门口。结果司机没

法这样做，自从上次Neal把车道清理以后一直在下雪。但是，这个司机一直目送着Caro回到了家。那会已经看不到狼了。

Neal认为那里从来没有过狼。他说就算有狼，也对我们没有危险，虚弱得像在冬眠。 Caro说狼从不冬眠。“我们在学校学过。”

我妈妈希望Neal去买把枪。

“你觉得我应该去买把枪，然后去打死一头该死的可怜的母狼吗？或许它有一堆孩子在灌木丛里，它这样做或许就是为了佑护它的孩子，就像你保护你的孩子一样。”他平静地说。 Caro说：“只有两只，它们一次最多生两个孩子。”

“好，好，我正在跟你妈妈说话。”

“你不知道， ”我妈妈说，“你不知道它是不是饿了的狼崽或者别的什么。”

我从来没有想到她会那样跟他说话。

他说：“慢点，慢点，让我们想一想。枪是一件很可怕的东西。如果我去找把枪，想想我会说什么？越南怎么样？我是不是应该去越南？”

“你不是一个美国人。”

“你不要惹怒我。”

他们差不多就说了这些，最后以Neal不去弄枪结束。从此以后我们再也没看到过狼，如果上次看到的那是狼的话。我妈妈已经停止了每天去取信件，我想因为她的肚子已经太大了，不太方便去做这些事情。

雪终于奇迹般地变小了。树木还是光秃秃地没有叶子。早上，妈妈让Caro穿上大衣，但是放学回来的时候，Caro拖着这件大衣回来的。

妈妈说她可能怀的是双胞胎，但是医生说不是。

“太好好，”Neal说，全力支持双胞胎的想法，“医生什么也不知道。”

砾石坑已经被融化的雪水和雨水填满了，Caro只好沿着它的边缘绕着它走，去赶校车。它就象一个小小的湖，静静地躺在蓝天下，光彩夺目。Caro没抱多少希望地问妈妈，我们能不能在湖里玩。

我妈妈叫我们不要太疯了。她说：“它至少有20尺那么深。”

Neal说：“也许10尺。”

卡萝说，“就在边上，不会有那么深的。”

母亲坚持说有那么深。 “它肯定很陡” 她说，“这可不像你去海边，去他妈的，离它远点。” 她开始说“他妈的”，说了很多次，甚至比Neal说的次数还多，并且是相当愤怒的语气。 “我们是不是让狗狗也离这远点？”妈妈问Neal。Neal说没有关系，“狗是可以游泳的。” 周六，Caro和我一起看了The Friendly Gaint，边看边发表意见，意见多得都能把巨人压垮了。Neal躺在沙发一直抽烟，这张沙发没有折叠起来的时候，就是他和我妈妈的床。他抽着他喜欢的香烟，因为他在工作的时候不能抽，所以在周末就会一直抽烟。Caro有时候会缠着他，让她也抽一根。有一次，他同意了，但交待她，不能告诉我妈妈。

但是我在那里，我告诉了我妈妈。

然后自然就有了警告，但是并没有很严重。

“你们知道他会把孩子们像子弹一样咻地丢出去，”妈妈说，“下不为例。”

“下不为例。”Neal欣然同意，“可是如果他喂他们吃下毒的脆米条呢？”

开始，我们根本没有见过父亲。直到圣诞之后，我们才开始每周六去看父亲。母亲总是在事过之后问我们是否玩得开心。我总说开心，我是说真的。我认为去看场电影，或者看看lake Huron，或者去餐厅吃饭，就是很开心的事情。Caro也说开心，但用一种暗含“不关妈妈的事”的语气。后来，我父亲要去古巴度冬假(妈妈对此表示很惊讶，也许是赞同)，回来之后拖拖踏踏感冒了很久，然后我们的周六拜访就此搁置了。本来春天就应该好的，可是一直拖

到现在都没有痊愈。

关掉电视，妈妈要我到外面走走，呼吸一些新鲜空气。我们把狗也带上。

到了外面的第一件事就是松开妈妈围在我们脖子上的围巾。（事实上，尽管我们没有把两件事放在一起，至少我们不需要围巾或者一日三餐这种事情上，随着她的孕期推进，她的行为越来越象个正常的妈妈。不会象去年秋天那样标新立异了。）Caro问我想做什么，我说我不知道。她不过是随口问问，但是对我来说，这是事实。我们让狗狗带着我们走，但是Blitzee只顾着一边走一边看着砾石坑。风把坑里的水吹出细细波纹，很快我们就觉得冷了，只能重新把围巾围上。

我不知道我们究竟在围着水边走了多久，我只知道看不见拖车房。过了好一会儿，我才意识到我是被告诫过不许走太远的。

我想回到拖车房，告诉Neal和我妈妈一些事情。狗狗落水了。狗狗掉进水里，Caro担心它会被淹死。

Blitzee，淹死了。

淹死了。

可是Blitzee不在水里。

它应该在水里，Caro很可能跳进水里去救它。

我记得当时还争论了会儿，她没干嘛，你没干嘛，本来可能怎么样但是后来没有怎么样之类的内容。还记得Neal说狗没淹死。

卡萝叫我照她说的做。

为什么？

也许我这么反问了，也许我只是站在那儿什么也没做，想要引起另一阵争论。